


Is It Ever Enough

by LokiNeedsHugs1031



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel, Bisexual Dean, Bottom Dean, Caring Dean, Castiel Angst, Castiel In Love, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Castiel in the Bunker, Castiel is a Sweetheart, Dean's First Time, Dean-Centric, Domestic Fluff, Episode: s12e09 First Blood, Falling In Love, First Time, First Time Bottoming, First Time for Everything Fest, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, Loving Dean, M/M, Post-Episode: s12e09 First Blood, Protective Castiel, Protective Dean Winchester, Season/Series 12, Stop Hurting Cas 2k17, Top Castiel, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, supernatural season 12 episode 9
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-20 21:55:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9517760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokiNeedsHugs1031/pseuds/LokiNeedsHugs1031
Summary: Cas has had enough and needs Dean to show him that he is loved and more than enough than he's been led to believe.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Piper_Halliwell1979](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piper_Halliwell1979/gifts).



> I'm dedicating this to one of my favorite writers, though she might not know it, Piper_Halliwell1979. She writes the best crying/,love/feels/fluff stuff and she writes so often and it makes me happy! So this is for you lovely :) Season 12 episode 9 fluff feels fix! Cas needs to know how much he is loved!!!! This is a direct love/fluff fix! STOP HURTING CAS SPN WRITERS!

            The drive home was quiet. Tense. That was putting it mildly. The entire time Cas’ eyes were outside the window, lips pursed, eyes narrowed. Dean knew that the angel was furious, the wet nature of his blue eyes and utter hurt while he had spoken such words of love had Dean’s chest clenching. Dean had, for a moment, felt the need to surge forward and take Cas in his arms, but his body language spoke everything but that. Especially after those six precious words

            _You mean too much to me._

Cas had eyed him. Dead on when he’d said those words. Dean thought he might melt into the damp forest ground beneath him. He’d never seen Cas so close to tears. Never. His voice had been brittle, so fucking close to broken. He’d eyed the angel as he clenched his fists at his side in obvious struggle to control. His voice. That Dean couldn’t get over. How ‘done’ Cas had sounded. So utterly done. That sentiment was confirmed when Cas walked past all three Winchesters with a glare and returned to his seat in the back.

             His fingers were twitching on the leathered space between them, Cas’ hand just a few inches out of reach. The tiniest of inches between them.

            Mary parked her car in the garage, removing the key from the ignition. She was already out of the car, her anger palpable as well. Sam was glancing over his shoulder, “You coming? I better talk to her…”

            “In a sec,” Dean answered quickly, swallowing too often as well as blinking. Cas seemed to realize he wanted him to speak to him. And he was sitting just as stiffly. Eyes still sideways and jaw clenched.

            Sam nodded and closed the door of the car, following his mother inside of the bunker.

            Dean wet his lips, “Cas,” he stuttered, and then he was reaching across the seat and taking Cas’ hand, experimenting with those long digits, hoping he might loop their fingers together.

            Expectedly Cas’ eyes went marginally wider, more shocked than any mess of the last 24 hours, or 6 weeks could cause. But then he was doing the opposite of what Dean wanted, needed, he yanked his hand away as if he’d been burned. Not just that, he exited the car, slamming the door loudly behind him.

            “Cas, wait,” Dean hurried out of the car as well, as Cas rounded the hood of his Mom’s Mustang, Dean caught him by the elbow, “Cas wait! Please!”

            “Why?!” Cas shouted, his voice echoing off of the cement walls which seemed to make his voice almost sound screeching, “Why does _anything_ you have to say matter?! It won’t because _I_ don’t matter…I’ve never mattered to you…not like you’ve mattered to me! It’s always been fucking one sided!”

            With the rare curse Dean flinched, “Cas, hey, that is not true!”

            “It is!” Cas growled, his breath nearly out of control, “You put yourself in harm’s way without even a thought! And then I’m there, I’m there to pick up the pieces and then I’m useless once more! I need you Dean,” his hands were slapping at his sides, “I need you but it’s not enough. It’s never been enough! I’m ignored…forgotten until I’m of use to you…”

            Dean almost started to raise his voice, but the way Cas went so quiet he stopped, “Unless you’re of use to me?”

            “Did you ever stop for a second…” Cas began, eyes watering, “Did you ever think…that I _need_ you? And that making a deal with that reaper would hurt _me_?! You say I’m family…but I’m not really…would you do that to Sam?”

            “Cas, come on,” Dean scrubbed at his face, if only for a moment to break that intense gaze.

            “Would you? Don’t I matter? You were going to leave me…” Cas trembled, and then he choked, “You were going to leave me…and it didn’t matter….it didn’t…I’ve been hurting…so much…so much and it goes unnoticed!”

            “Cas, hey, hey, hey,” Dean moved forward, and unlike his tentative nature in the car he took both of Cas’ hands, “Look at me.”

            Cas shook his head, and to Dean’s horror a sob broke his speech, “No, no, no…”

            “Look at me,” Dean growled, shifting back and forth on both feet, “Cas, angel, look at me.”

            It took him taking the other man by the chin, and Dean almost lost it, “You mean _everything_ ,” he spat, still Cas wouldn’t meet him fully eye-wise, “Castiel, look at me.”

            And Cas did, blue eyes wide and wet, “Dean…I’m so tired…I’m so, so…very tired. You can never fathom…how exhausted I am. And you’ll keep doing these things to me! You’ll keep casting me aside, both of my person and my feelings!”

            And then what Dean had felt was a full on cresting meltdown, Cas lost it. He had pushed himself backwards a couple of steps, and buried his face in his own hands. His stance was sagging, back bowed, fingers clenching in his hair.

            “Oh fuck, Cas, please,” Dean croaked, attempting to move forward and remove Cas’ hands, but once more Cas was fighting.

            “How many times does it take for you to see me close to this?! How many times?!” he sobbed fitfully, and if angels needed to breathe, of which Dean was never quite sure, this was bad. Cas acted as though he were going to work himself into a fit.

            And this was his fault. All his fault for not noticing.

            Then Dean was launching forward and pulling Cas into his arms and the angel fought, pushing and shoving but Dean was relentless with an endless stream of ‘no no no’, “I know, I know,” he repeated over and over like a mantra, “I’m sorry Cas, I’m so sorry.” He almost opened his mouth to say ‘if Sam hadn’t been taken, if the devil hadn’t been on the loose, his mother, heaven closed off blah blah blah’ he would have taken care of Cas. Jesus, he had failed in every respect a ‘best friend’ should be.

            Cas stopped fighting and Dean held tight.

            It was a good thing he had, because Cas slumped, so abruptly that Dean ‘oofed’.

            Cas was truly and grossly sobbing against Dean’s shoulder, “W-What’s h-happening…c-can’t breathe…D-Dean…w-what’s happening?!”

            “Something long overdue Cas,” Dean situated his arms more comfortably around Cas’ torso, one hand threading through his dark hair, “You’re adapting more human emotions and I failed to guide you through it. It’s okay Cas, it’s okay, I know it’s scary but I’m right here.”

            “You say you will…but then you won’t be, and I’m always alone,” he hiccoughed painfully, arms still hung loosely at his sides.

            “No, I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. I can’t expect you to believe me now but I’ll show you.” Dean murmured against the shell of Cas’ ear, that earned him an even heavier cry. Thankfully though, Cas’ arms moved marginally upwards and then they were clenching in the cloth of Dean’s prison uniform. Dean choked down a cry of his own. So many weeks without touch and then this? It was more than a shock, it was near overwhelming, “Cas,” he kissed the side of Cas’ head, lingering there, “Let’s go to my room so you can lie down…come on.”

            One arm still protectively wrapped around Cas’ shoulders, he led him inside all the while Cas would look up from where he’d buried his face before. As the two of them were passing the war room, Dean was hoping to get Cas to his room quick without his Mom and Sam noticing Cas’ upset state.

            “Cas, are you alright?” Sam’s voice piped up, but then Dean was sure Sam saw the tears, “Castiel, hey, no you’re not.”

            Dean thought surely at this point Cas would simply run to his own designated room that was still so under-furnished, “Sam…”

            “No, I’m not,” Cas growled, the way he delivered it didn’t have the same anger behind it as it had Dean, it was more broken sounding.

            “Hey,” Sam moved forward and without saying a word wrapped his long arms around Cas’, tugging him to his chest. He cupped the back of Cas head as if to secure him in his embrace.

            Dean was shocked Cas allowed it, he didn’t fight Sam like he’d fought Dean. And then Dean had an inkling as to why. He heard the two men murmuring to each other and then Cas was pulling away nodding at something to soft for Dean to hear. Sam gave a signature pat to Cas’ damp cheek and then bodily turned Cas around, gave him a gentle shove in Dean’s direction.

            Without skipping a beat Dean returned his arm to Cas’ shoulder, he could feel Cas’ exhaustion like an electric hum. The angel even stumbled slightly as Dean directed them towards his bedroom, “Night guys,” he called sideways.

            Dean flipped the light on and set Cas to one side of the bed, Cas’ chest was still hitching painfully. He couldn’t seem to quite catch his breath. Great, Dean groaned, more human reactions to shit that he should have been explaining to Cas. Sure, Cas had been around the block and he was fully aware of human emotions. But feeling them? That was a whole other ballgame.

            “Let’s get you comfortable,” He didn’t even ask, he just knelt in front of his friend and started removing Cas’ shoes, pushing away his trench-coat and suit jacket. With two palms he pressed against Cas’ shoulders, whose wide blue eyes were locked on him at this point, “Lie back Cas, get comfortable.” he hooked fingers underneath Cas’ knees and fixed them comfortably on the bed, “Sit tight.”

            He hurried into the adjoining bathroom and wetted one cloth and then another, he returned to the side of the bed, perching on the edge, “Close your eyes,” he requested gently. Cas was hesitant, “It’ll help your eyes, they’re all puffy and sore I bet, huh?” he laid the cool cloth over Cas’ eyes.

            For a few seconds Cas laid stiffly, but when Dean started dabbing the other cloth around his cheeks and forehead, brushing away the remaining tracks of tears he relaxed, “Is this okay?”

            With a great shuddering sigh, Cas nodded, dark head falling further against the pillow behind him.

            Minutely Dean knew what he was doing, as he unbuttoned the first few at the top of Cas’ dress shirt, where he was then dabbing once more around that flesh there and he could see Cas’ pulse thumping, “Cas, take a breath, this is to calm you down. Feel that trembling? You kinda had a little bit of a breakdown out there, that’s adrenaline and this is just to help you come down from it.”

            They were silent for a few measured seconds, Dean continuing his gentle touch before he took a needed breath and nearly whispered, “You’re one of the first people I think about when I wake up, you just don’t know it because I’m a fucking stubborn bastard. Cas…” he dragged the cloth beneath one eye, his thumb brushing past the tender flesh as he did so. He leaned forward and as carefully as he’d done anything he kissed Cas’ brow earning him a breathy inhalation, when he moved to his left cheek and then the right he asked, “Is this okay?”

            Cas nearly did a full body shudder, “Y-Yes,” eyes still covered by the cloth he ran a too pink tongue across his lips.

            Dean threaded his fingers through Cas’ dark mop, fingers tracing down beneath the shell of his ear before gliding along his stubbled jaw, “Is this okay?”

            Cas nodded once more but said nothing.

            “How about this?” Dean murmured just above Cas’ trembling, pink lips, and then as softly as he’d ever done anything he simply brushed his lips and Cas whimpered. He kissed one corner and then the other and then despite his racing heart he pressed their lips together, beautifully chaste and Cas made a muffled cry, “Is this okay?”

            Dean would have to say it was a perfect first kiss, but Cas’ shaking was increasing so he was pushing up the cloth from Cas eyes until it was resting on the angels’ forehead, “Cas, hey, look at me.” and Cas did, blue eyes blown wide, wet and red-rimmed from his earlier crying fit, “This…right here is what we should have been doing when I came back from Amara and Chuck. This right here and nothing more. I should have set aside time to talk to you, but you know me, if I can put off talking I do it without even taking a breath. And I hurt you, I see that Cas and I’m so sorry. I should have talked to you, because you mean something different to me than Sam.” he was fully aware he’d scooched closer and had Cas’ face boxed between both arms, caressing his cheeks with both thumbs, “That doesn’t make things better by a long shot but I want you to know I wanna try. And you mean more to me…than I think I could properly put into words. The whole time I was in that hole…I was thinking…how I could make it home to you…make things right. Kiss you, kiss you like you deserved and that was on my priority list, God, sweetheart, I just didn’t intend on being missing so long. Didn’t intend on being so trapped…from coming back to you.”

            Cas was staring at him, somewhere between some semblance of dumbstruck and confused. Dean began to feel his skin prickle with self-doubt, he opened his mouth to spat another apology, to push away from the bed but Cas pulled him forward nearly knocking him off his game and was returning that same chaste kiss

            He dipped down once more, no objection on the warm body beneath him, he kissed more deeply and for the first time their tongues met and as Dean sighed in relief Cas whimpered once more, “I’ve got you,” Dean nipped his bottom lip, painting his tongue along Cas’ top lip, “Cas, baby, can I show you what I mean?”

            Cas was staring, so poignant and serious, his eyes so close to tears. He looked scared, angry, but something else, “Dean, what do you mean?”

            “I mean,” Dean sighed, “This,” he kissed the thinnest part of Cas’ neck and Cas groaned, but then he was moving downwards over the hollow of Cas’ throat, “And this,” he moved carefully down his torso and kiss his sternum, “I wanna show you how amazing you are, how much you’re loved.”

            “Dean,” Cas made a sound that was somewhere between a sob and gasp.

            “I’m sorry for everything and I know it doesn’t make everything right. It doesn’t. You’ve always been there for us Cas, always been there for me. You’re perfect and I should have said all of this and more.” he scooped his arms beneath Cas’ shoulders and brought their mouths once more together, swallowing up cry after cry.

            Clumsily their lips were fighting for dominance, Cas finally fully delving into the hunter’s mouth with some unspoken agreement that for now, things were alright.

            Dean pushed Cas to the bed hands clambering to remove clothing. “Cas, sweetheart, sit up, I need to undress you.”

            Cas did as told, nearly knocking Dean out of his lap, “You do know I could,” he raised his fingers.

            “No!” Dean grabbed his hands, “I wanna undress you. Piece by piece.”

            Cas gulped and nodded, “Alright.”

            Dean managed a smile, “That’s part of the fun,” he pushed the rest of the dress shirt off Cas’ shoulders and was already working on his tie. He shimmied the blue cloth that matched Cas’ eyes away from his throat and then started removing buttons, and then he was lowering his mouth aptly taking one nipple between his lips and sucking. He licked and teased until it was pink and perk. Cas whined loudly when he switched to the other, executing the same treatment, “You meant that…didn’t you Cas?”

            “Meant what?” Cas was writhing, eyes now open.

            “I mean too much to you?”

            Cas pushed himself on both elbows, “Dean,” he was also pushing Dean’s mouth away from his chest, away from his neck. In one careful move he flipped Dean on his back, pinning his arms above his head, in one swift movement removing all the buttons of the prison jumper and shimmying it past his torso, “You would question me now?”

            “Cas…” Dean started, his heart was leaping once more, the fierce, loving determination in his eyes was like a fire.

            “My very existence has been you, why do you think I find…my relationship with you so infuriating?” Cas growled, “How can you ask me such a thing?!”

            “Cas,” Dean whimpered, even though he would fight to the death that he’d done so, “I’m not worth it. How am I worth of you dying? Or falling?”

            “You are worth everything Dean, everything,” Cas snapped, claiming Dean’s mouth once more, “This is a large part of our problem. I will always be yours, that and more.”

            “Fuck, Cas, yes,” clinging to Cas in more ways he was willing to define, “I’m yours too.”

            Cas sucked at the junction of Dean’s shoulder, “You tell me now, what do you want?”

            “You Cas, _you_ ,” Dean groaned, angling his hips against Cas’ in a rough semblance of a rut, “I need you, please, inside me.”

            Cas’ face was nothing but shock, “Dean, really?”

            “Yes,” Dean grunted, eyes falling away, “I need you inside me and you’re the only person that I would ever let do that. Every…everything you said Cas,” he pulled Cas close until they were eye to eye, “Everything you said is what I want. And it’s fucked up and I should have said something. I should have but I didn’t…but you did and…”

            “I know,” Cas spoke softly, pressing his lips to Dean’s throat, all fury and pain and frenzy from before melting from his eyes.

            “No, Cas,” Dean pushed Cas marginally away so both hands were on his shoulders, “You need to know how much I need you. H-How much I…fuck…how much…I would _give_ to you.”

            “Dean,” Cas sighed against the flesh of Dean’s throat as their hips ground against one another, “What?”

            “I love you Cas,” Dean tried not to shout but it was, it was a shout, “I love you Castiel.”

            “I love you too Dean Winchester,” Cas said, “We take this slow, no matter what has happened today. We take this slow.”

            And Dean nearly sobbed at this statement, he wanted to, God knew he did. But after so long without human contact every touch, every caress was like lightening. So much time left in the darkness, thinking of Cas, wishing he were there. Touching him, loving him.

            Cas took no time with taking the lube from Dean’s hand, pouring a generous amount along his fingers before snaking one hand around and tentatively pressing against his rim. Dean laid his head back against the pillows, eyes pinched. It wasn’t so much as painful as it was intrusive, and by the time Cas had two fingers in he found himself shamelessly begging. The mere idea that he was giving this to Cas was making him harder by the minute.

            “Dean, are you alright?”

            “Fuck, yes, I’m fine,” Dean grunted, absentmindedly backing up against the lubed fingertips, “I-If you don’t get on with it I-I won’t last…”

            “Only if you’re sure,” and for the first time that evening Cas’ voice was even, confident, strong. Dean had, for all intents and purposes, had the idea to give himself to Cas. What he hadn’t planned on was enjoying it so much. He found himself hooking his ankles to the small of Cas’ back to drive him closer. Nor was he prepared for the tears that poured from his eyes.

            “Oh Dean,” Cas whimpered, eyes wide at the sight of tears, “Ah, are you alright?”

            “More than, fucking move,” Dean growled, “Come on sweetheart, come on.”       

            And whatever that entailed Cas was doing so, expertly nailing that mysterious and alien spot Dean had only read about. Cas was kissing way the saline as it streamed without control. Dean was nearly blind with the wave after of wave of electric-like pleasure. He was only faintly aware that Cas’ had taken his swollen, pulsing length between one tight fist as they rocked together. There were no words. None of those romantic notions of ‘harder, harder’ it was nothing like that. And then it was a blur, a blinding blur of grunts and pleas, and just-so-perfect movements.

             Cas slumped against Dean, chest heaving, wet, warm breath against the nape of his neck as his brain obviously needed to catch up with the rest of him.

            “You okay up there?” Dean chuckled, trying desperately to catch his breath.

            Dean got concerned when he only felt Cas nod, “Cas, sweetheart, hey,” he pushed Cas up by the shoulders, trying to find his face, make eye contact, “You okay?”

            “I’m more than okay,” Cas sobbed, “I want to always be this okay.”

            “Oh, baby,” Dean chastised, despite the mess between the them he pulled Cas close, kissing his brow, his cheeks, all the while running both hands up and down his heaving, naked torso, “I can’t promise it’ll be perfect, can’t even promise it’ll be okay all the time but we’re here together and I’m not going anywhere, got it?”

            Cas made the same watery noise he had before, but was nodding jerkily, he buried his face in the space of Dean’s neck, “I love you, more than you’ll ever know.”

            Dean kissed his cheek, head thumping backwards, “I love you too, and since I’m so shitty with words I think I’m gonna have to love ya like this a few more times for you to get it.”

            Cas propped his chin up on Dean’s chest, with just the slightest of smiles gracing his lips, “You mean that?”

            “Are you kidding me?” he leaned forward, capturing Cas’ lips, “I don’t know about you but I need a shower.”

 

            It was like some unspoken ritual, sore and aching, but satisfied, Dean led Cas to the shower stall. Cas was quiet again, but thankfully he wasn’t crying, however his eyes were speaking loudly. Speaking, screaming as he ran a soapy cloth over Dean’s skin brushing away the weeks of dirt left behind by the prison.

            It was the third pass along his back with the cloth that Dean stopped Cas, “Hey,” he grabbed his hands, “This isn’t a one-time thing,” he tugged him closer, a little roughly, claiming his lips, tongue delving into his mouth, “This is you and me, got it? You’re acting like you’re trying to memorize every inch of me, we got time for that.”

            Dean’s chest clenched when Cas nodded and leaned into his space fully, naked body flush against him beneath the warm water, “Baby,” Dean murmured, not caring at all the ‘man card’ he’d been carrying, “It’s alright, look at me.”

            Thankfully Cas did, Dean kissed both cheeks, “You and me, this is it. No more fucking around, I love you. I know it’s hard, but I will prove this to you. I promise.”

            “Dean…” he nuzzled against Dean’s throat, hair matted and wet to his head and never looking more perfect.

            “Come on, let’s go to bed, I know you’re shot, and I am too. Never been more happy to be here, with you, out of those clothes.”

 

            Once they were in pajamas, side-fan blowing and room dark, it was Cas that pulled Dean to his chest.

            “I will take my time reminding you what touch feels like,” Cas promised in the whirring darkness of Dean’s room.

            “I would hope so,” Dean chuckled, chest clinching and throat getting tight, but he nuzzled up against Cas’ soap smelling chest that was clad in his own clothes, “It’s been too long…longer than 6 weeks Cas.”

            He felt Cas press his lips firmly against his brow, “I know that Dean, and I will annoy you with it now. Because I’ve been without it as well.”

            Dean swallowed a lump in his throat, “Not complaining sweetheart,” he gulped and tightened his grip around Cas waist and when Cas merely responded with wrapping his arms more tightly, pulling the blanket higher, for a moment Dean thought he could forget the world

 

           

**Author's Note:**

> Please dear readers, when you review I write!!!! Love you guys!!!


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